The UFO in my garden.Part 1.

Click here to read All Parts

It landed in my garden. Although I didn't realize it was there at first. I just noticed from my window, that the beans I was growing and we're nearly ready to pick had been completely flattened. I had put my boots and gardening jacket on, gone out, picked up my spade and grumpily started to walk down and see if there was anything I could salvage. Cursing 11 year old Jamie from 3 doors up, because he was usually the one responsible for any trouble in our neighborhood.

Then I walked into it.  And knocked myself clean out.

When I woke up, it was a scene from a genuine alien abduction. Which I didn't believe in, so the next 10 minutes involved a good deal of conflict in, and reassessment of, my world view. I was on a  bed, a tube up my nose, something strapped to my arm. And a strange tall, grey skinned figure with a somewhat bulbous head, teardrop shaped, Jet Black shiny eyes, tiny upturned nose, narrow chin, and disconcertingly tiny mouth, was standing about six feet in front of me, twiddling with a black box he was holding.

Except that the 'alien', was wearing numerous beads a Doors T shirt, an afghan and had a chain with a CND symbol on it round it's neck, and was smoking something which smelt distinctly illegal. Except I wondered what the rules of jurisdiction were concerning an alien.

"Aww man I'm sorry." It said.

I thought I was going to pass out again, then wonderd, 'is this a dream', then a horrible thought occurred to me, "Have you been 'probing ' me?" I asked?

"What? No! No! No!" He walked a step or two towards me making reassuring hand gestures. "You just walked into my ship and knocked yourself out. Frankly I was just going to leave, but the ship thought you needed proper treatment quickly. And I couldn't just leave you there and hope someone found you. So I brought you inside. You will be fine, but you weren't supposed to wake up man. The computer was supposed to keep you asleep, but I never used it to treat an alien before."

"Er that doesn't fill me with confidence that it did the right things to make me better." I said.

A very feminine and alluring voice filled the room, "Casting aspersions on my competence as a medic will not endear you to me, darling."

I instinctively looked around for the source of the voice, and it added, "Ah yes, the famous human predeliction for a face to talk to." and a figure appeared in front of me.

It was definitely female, in a somewhat alien kind of way, it was also completely naked.

"Ah, yes err, Geraldine change the desktop would you?" Said the alien.

"Certainly Snixat, what would you like?" Said what I presumed was a hologram.

I couldn't resist interrupting,  "I think Clothes, would relieve his embarrassment."

"Yes! Yes! Clothes, er, er," Snixat dithered, "er setting 36?" He said with a hopeful tone in his voice.

Instantly the hologram was indeed, clothed, in some rather 'dominant' red and black leather, and what would, in reality, have been gravity defying thigh length high heeled boots. Oh and holding a riding crop.

"Damn!" said Snixat, "Setting 37."

The hologram changed again, this time it was the kind of skirt suit, an ambitious young office worker might wear. The skirt was slightly shorter than might be considered appropriate in most offices, and the blouse showed an amount of cleavage that most male workers in such an office would find extremely distracting. Though truth be told that was often the intent of such ambitious young women's attire.

"Why did you wake him up?" Snixat asked the hologram, in an irritable tone.

"Because Snixat dearest, you need someone with local knowledge."

"I do?
"He does?"

Snixat and I said in unison.

"Yes: the attack damaged me, I need repairs."

"What kind of repairs?" Snixat asked.

"What kind of attack?" I asked.

The hologram turned to me and said, "As we entered the atmosphere, some military jets decided we were a threat and shot at us. They blew away part of the hyper drive, I can take off, and I might even be able to fly around this solar system, but we will not be travelling to any other star systems until I have been repaired" She (it was irrevocably 'She' in my mind forever now) looked at Snixat, unless you fancy a couple of decades in deep space again?"

"No Way! Once is enough for any lifetime.", he paused, "And hey, since when did my questions get answered after his?" He added indignantly.

It struck me that the Gerqldine hologram walking over to stand right in front of Snixat, before she spoke was completely unnecessary. "Since, Snixat darling, you decided to enter this planets atmosphere without engaging the cloaking system, thought it was funny to tease local pilots, got us shot at, damaged, and stranded us here for who knows how long."

She turned and walked back to me, "I can only apologise for the inconvenience to you dear, and say in my defence I didn't ask to be owned by him: but ships generally don't get a say in the matter." she turned to look at Snixat pointedly, "mores the pity."

"What do you think I can do?" I said, "I know nothing about 'hyperdrives' I doubt many people do, except theoretical physicists, and I don't think there are any with practical experience."

"Oh you would be surprised." Said Snixat, "There are more aliens on earth than most humans realise."

"That sounds very 'men in black', "I said.

"MIB's!" Snixat at looked around nervously, "What do you know about MIB's?"

"Er it's a series of films, with Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, though he isn't in the third one much."

"Oh you mean like a popular media thing." He looked released.

"Mmm yes, er.. what did you think I meant? "

"Well intergalactic musicians, obviously." He said with a 'dur' expression

"Oh," I said:  I would describe my feelings at this point as puzzled, but I had passed puzzled some time ago on this particular road, had zoomed past baffled, and I was now close to overtaking amazement. "What worried you about them when I mentioned them?" I asked.

"Powers of persuasion." He said rolling his eyes, revealing that around the black teardrop shape was a band of bright orange underneath his eyelids.


"They can persuade anyone to join their band. And usually this means trouble of some kind or another."

"Now you sound like your describing 'The Blues Brothers'."

He looked at me blankly.

"Another popular culture reference." said Geraldine.

"Oh!" said Snixat. I felt I had won a little victory in the puzzlement stakes.

"Speaking of popular culture, why are you dressed as a hippy?

"What do you mean," he said in an indignant tone, "last time I was here everyone was dressed like this,"

"Where was that, Woodstock?"

"How did you know, there was this amazing guitarist, Jimi something, played his guitar with his teeth."

All the other feelings I was experiencing, now got pushed around by Jealousy, and told to get lost. "Your telling me you saw Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock?" I was 10 years too young to have seen anything of the sixties for real,  but old enough for them to have provided the soundtrack to my childhood, and subsequently most of the albums. I owned.

"Yeah Hendrix, that was his name"

I knew I was hooked now, my squished beans were irrelevant I was along for the ride with this strange alien, and his oddly 'kinky' ship.

( Note to reader, at this point a good filmmaker would add a relevant sound track {if they could afford the rights.} A reader can of course add their own in their head via the miracle of 'imagination'.  If like me you get inspired and just have to listen to a track once it's popped in your head, you can of course visit YouTube. For myself I'm going to listen to this: TURN IT UP GERALDINE!

To be continued.

Click here to read Part 2

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